Apple Pie

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8 – BALL Rack ’em Up! – photo by Wild Thing

I love to shoot pool. I shoot in several leagues and numerous tournaments at the end of the season: team, singles, doubles, 8-ball, 9-ball … you name the game and there are tournaments for it.

One year, my women’s team and I were in the Wisconsin State Team Tournament in the Dells at the Kalahari Resort. This was a 3 day tournament so we would need to stay the weekend. The Kalahari is a pretty swanky place and expensive; to save money, we reserved rooms at a Super 8 that was close by. We always brought food and drinks with us to help keep costs down as well.

One of our yearly rituals was for Sally to make her Apple Pie. It is a homemade liquor and I’m not sure what all is in it, but I know apple cider, cinnamon and Everclear (a grain alcohol that is 190 proof) is in it. She would make gallons for this weekend. It is great cold or hot and it tastes just like apple pie! You could drink it nonstop so easily; there was a caveat with it though, if you were not familiar with it, you would end up drunk before you knew what hit you.

Before the start of a tournament we always gathered for drink to talk strategy and just chill out and it helped to pump us up too. Just before we would leave, Sally got out the Apple Pie. We each lifted a glass in a silent toast then drank it down. Then with cues in their cases and well a stocked briefcase looking bag with our apple pie we went out the door.

Two matches later we were done shooting until noon the next day. We locked the cues up and kept the bag with the Apple Pie in it. It was party time! We table hopped from team to team that still had to play as start times were staggered. Men’s teams were there too, so we stopped at their tables as well. It was all part of the fun to stop and chat, cheer, flirt if it was called for and catch up on tournament gossip, (which men are far worse than women!) then move on to the next table of friends.

As we roamed around the tournament site, we decided that we would try to help our one teammate “get lucky”. She had complained that she had no boyfriend and was feeling a little, shall we say, “Affectionate”.  The acronym for the tournament was WAMO and we were calling it the WAMO Dating game. We made up the rules as we went along just nonsense; people laughed at our ridiculousness. Anyone who agreed to be in the game was given a drink of Apple Pie. This had to be done carefully it was against the rules to bring any kind of “carry in” to the tournament. To enforce this, there were rent-a-cops walking around to watch for it.

My team was known for walking up to various guys and grabbing them in the butt if we thought the butt was worthy of it. In our quest for game contestants as we were walking from table to table, we were checking out butts. If we found one worth grabbing, it was grabbed. Then of course, a shot of Apple Pie had to be drunk! When we stopped to sit and chat with a team, we’d yell “Team Drink!” and out came the Apple Pie.

I still smoked at this time and so did my teammate Sally. When we wanted to have a smoke, we had to go outside. This could take time as we would stop to talk to those coming in and there might be a butt that needed grabbing as well. At one point, Sally and I made our way outside to have a cigarette and while out there we visited with other players smoking. Out from the coat pockets came the flasks of Apple Pie to share with those there. We finished our smokes put them out and went back in filled with bonhomie and Apple Pie. All the while Sally and I talked and laughed our way back; we came up on a gentleman walking right in front of us. Sally elbows me thought it was a security guard; but it wasn’t! It was a Wisconsin State Patrolman. I could see what she couldn’t, the patch on his shoulder.

Before I knew what was happening she reached out and grabbed his right buttock! The side that his gun was on! As she’s reaching I could hear me yell “Noooo Sallyyyyyy don’tttttt!” in that kind of low, long, slow motion voice you hear in movies.  I reached to try and stop her but I was too late, her hand had a handful of his butt and she was holding on for all she was worth!

He whirled around to see two grown women with their hands out, one laughing hysterically and the other looking scared to death! All I could think was that we were off to jail! I’m sure he thought his gun was being stolen. I started to wonder what the penalty was for misdemeanor sexual assault of a police officer was. When she looked up and realized it wasn’t a security guard, she says “Oops, sorry officer!”

Interesting side fact about my friend Sally, she has dentures and rarely wears them. When she does, like this time, and is drunk, like this time, they tend to slip and sometimes partially come out of her mouth, like they did this time. So the word “officer” came out kind of something like “offither”, with some spittle that landed on his tie which she quickly tried to wipe off with one hand and with the other she took her teeth out and showed them to him and lisped “These fuckin’ things drive me crazy!” I thought “That’s it; we’re goin’ to the local pokey for sure!”

I started to talk and by that I mean sweet talk as fast as I could. I explained to him about our little game. How she thought he was a security guard, that she wasn’t trying to take his gun, she didn’t mean anything by it and on and on I went. I don’t know if it was anything I said, or if it was Sally standing there grinning at him toothless, but he finally smiled at us and said just be careful next time.  To which Sally said she would grab his left cheek next time! He roared and walked away. I stood there shocked expression on my face then just cracked up laughing! She popped her teeth back in her mouth, smiled at me and I laughed even harder.

It all started with Apple Pie.

Wild Thing©2016

 

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